Chaos In Motion

5 Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

bryanfraker:

A recent discussion after a night of drinking between friends has made me think long and hard over a simple question, yet has a complex answer:

What’s the worst movie you have ever seen?

On the surface it’s an easy question, but when you look deeper it becomes harder to reply.  What exactly qualifies as the worst?

Sure we all have movies we think were bad, but what if they were so bad that they were good?  I cite a little known movie called Scanner Cop.  Here is the tag line:

“Imagine a cop who can read your mind… then blow it away.”

A psychic Terminator?  I’m listening.  Here is a brief synopsis of the movie (from imdb.com)

“Sam Staziak, a rookie cop with the Los Angeles Police Department, is also a ‘scanner’ (psionic). When a string of murders begins to decimate the police department, Sam faces sensory overload and possible insanity as he uses his powers to hunt the man responsible for the killings.”

This sounds like a mix between Dirty Harry and Miss Cleo.  Boy was I wrong.

The plot sucked and the acting was awful, but it was funny to watch because two actors looked like famous people.  The police chief looked like Stacy Keach and the main character looked like Andy Pettite.  That led to just laughing at the movie whenever their characters were on-screen and imitating their famous counterparts in place of the movie dialogue.

So really, really bad movies on the surface can be enjoyable to laugh at.  Other examples of this: Ready to Rumble (a wrestling movie with David Arquette), Showgirls and Striptease (I’m sure they had plots…and they were horrible…but I’m a heterosexual man…I can’t help it), What Happens In Vegas (anything about sports or Vegas and I’m instantly hooked) and I’m sure there are others I’m forgetting.

However, there are movies that are SO BAD that I can’t stand to even look at them.  There are scary movies that aren’t scary, comedies that are unfunny and movies that in general are horrible and I hope whoever green lighted the movie for the company got fired.

Without further ado, here is my list of 5 Movies That Just Plain Sucked:

5. Rollerball (2002): This remake of a 1975 movie looked like good action.  I watched it with my dad at his apartment.  He was my age when the original came out so I can understand why he wanted to rent it (or I wanted to rent it and he knew it would suck, but it’s easier to just to agree with a 15-year-old who sees partial nudity in its description.)  Not even a possibly nude Rebecca Romijn-Stamos (I couldn’t tell…she was in the shadows) couldn’t save this P.O.S.  There was some decent action if you took it for face value.  When you try to connect the dots of the plot with the acts of violence?  My first brain aneurism AND stomach ulcer.  Awful movie.  I have yet to put on roller blades since I saw that movie (granted, I wouldn’t have anyway, but I’m sure the movie didn’t help matters.)

4. Michael (1996): Being a 9-year-old scamp I had a very limited option as to what movies I was allowed to see.  Looking through the paper one day to find a movie for my family and some friends to see I stumbled upon “Michael”.  I had a best friend named Michael so this movie is going to be great!  I went to see the movie with my friend Michael and what we saw just was atrocious for a 9-year-old.  The Archangel?  Breaking glass without using special Power Ranger lasers?  All dialogue and no real action?  John Travolta’s hair?  NOOOOO!!!!!  This was the first (and only time I can remember) where there was 20 minutes left in the movie and my leg was going up and down like a merry-go-round on speed.  Not higher because we went to the cheap theater during the day.  Not a lot of mom’s money lost here (plus we were 9…I forgot about it 5 minutes after we left the theater.

3. Bruno (2009): To be honest I’ve never seen this movie, but from what I’ve heard…#3 sounds about right.

2. Freddy Got Fingered (2001): One of my freshman year roommates at Ohio University (I lived in a quad inside the basketball arena…it was a prison only without problems with dropping the soap) swore by this movie.  It was his favorite movie of all-time.  I had my hesitations about starting the movie, but it was a slow day and I was in college so I had a lot of time on my hands.  Finally I broke down and watched it with him.  If I could only have those 87 minutes back I would use 1 minute to break the DVD, 10 minutes to wash out my eyes, 15 minutes to beat up my roommate for wanting me to watch that piece of crap, 30 minutes looking for cheap memory erasing and 31 minutes curled up on my bed in the fetal position murmuring “Amazing Grace” as I rock back and forth.

1. White Noise (2005): I took my high school sweetheart to see this movie.  Being an 18 year old I was thinking “Ok I like this idea.  I’m seeing a scary movie with my girlfriend.  I get to be the knight in shining armor and hold her for the scary parts.  I can’t wait!  Plus, with Michael Keaton in it how can it go wrong?”  I ended up staring at the screen for 101 minutes (on imdb.com it says the Swedish version is only 94 minutes…lucky Swedish bastards.) and wondering how in God’s name the white noise from my TV was scary, insightful or interesting.  It’s a TV!  White noise happens when you turn off your DVD player, when the cable goes out or when you turn to a channel that is not in existence.  It’s not for ghosts to come back as a medium to talk to me!  If I had something hard to throw at the screen and projector to make the movie stop I would have used that object to knock myself unconscious so I could be dragged out of the theater without seeing another second of that garbage.  Damn you Michael Keaton!  Damn you!!!

So that’s my list…what’s yours?